The Brett Favre Situation

Okay, so a couple of my friends have been asking me how I would really feel about Brett Favre possibly becoming a Minnesota Viking. Well, it’s time for my response.
Favre has decided he wants to come back. Of course, he hasn’t confirmed that he’s coming back. That would take far too much decisiveness and leadership. Plus it would bring closure to the story. And what fun would that be?
No, no. Favre only wanted to HINT at the idea that he was coming back, so that the media could spend weeks speculating over his return. And presumably so fat Wisconsinites could write to him saying, “Please come back, Brett! While Favre “ponders” coming back and lets the threat of his return loom over the team like a giant fart cloud for a few months, he has put the Packers in a position where they get utterly screwed no matter what choice they decide to make once Favre makes up his mind. They can take Favre back, in which case Aaron Rodgers angrily bolts in 2009. They can cut Favre in which case they get nothing in return, along with having to live with the fact that they cut poor Brett. Or they can trade Favre. Media law dictates that columnists evaluate every other NFL team as a potential landing spot for Favre. And a great many of them have decided that the best fit is Minnesota.
Now, the odds of Favre becoming a Viking are slim to none. Ted Thompson and the Packer front office would rather eat shit and die than trade Favre to a division rival. In the case of the Vikings, many people who don’t follow the team like I do don’t know that Brad Childress is the most stubborn, pigheaded coach in the NFL. Childress traded up to draft Tarvaris Jackson, stuck by him all through last year, and has brought in virtually no competition at the position this off-season. Oh wait…I forgot about bringing in Gus, the second most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania. He’s been hyping up Jackson to anyone who will listen. He has little to no interest in making himself look bad by bringing in Favre (thus conceding that Jackson isn’t ready to carry the load). There’s also the little fact that Favre imploded in the NFC Championship in January, so the idea of him as the final piece of a championship puzzle may be overstating things just a bit. Even if I do believe the Vikings are perhaps just a decent quarterback away from being a serious contender. So it’s probably not happening. But what if it did? What if the world flipped upside down and Favre did end up in a Viking uniform?
I have spent the past 15 years nursing my hatred for Brett Favre. I’ve brought up my hate. Raised it. Fed it. Taught it valuable lessons. If my hate were a child, he’d be off to Hate College in just a couple years. He’d probably major in Death Threats. My hate and I, we don’t even need to use words to communicate anymore. We can just give each other a subtle glance and know exactly what kind of horrible fate we’d like Favre to experience. You see? My hate and I are very much on the same page. I can hate Brett Favre for so many different reasons. Lord knows he’s snatched a game or two away from my team in the fourth quarter. I can hate him, as many do, for the amount of praise he gets from writers and analysts. I can hate him for those goddamn Wrangler jeans ads. I wore Wranglers when I was a little boy. They weren’t real comfortable at all. They were stiffer than construction paper. I can even hate children who like him. Stupid kids. This hate has been with me so long, I don’t ever want to be apart from it. I love my hate. It brings me great joy.
But here’s the thing about my hate: it’s mostly an illusion. If Favre was the exact same person and had played for MY team and not the goddamn Packers, I would of course adore him. But he doesn’t play for my team, so fuck him. So why do I hate his guts so much? Well, because I can. The reason we sports fans hate is because it’s the only acceptable place in the world to hate. You can’t hate people of other races. That’s wrong. But you can sure as shit hate people of other teams. Sports allow us to hate without consequence. If we just went around liking everything, we’d all be miserable. Sports are a relatively safe place for our cruelty.
My hate for Favre isn’t personal, I’m sure he’s a swell guy. To me, it’s just a role I play as a fan. Favre plays for my team’s rival. So it’s my job to hate every fiber in his body. That’s why I don’t want Favre to join my favorite team. I’ve enjoyed hating him for so long. It’s practically all I know. If he joined the Vikings, I’d have to root for him. That’s my job as a fan. I’d have to leave my hate behind. And that would be a tragedy. This hate has been so good for me as a person. It’s really helped me mature.
So I say to Brett Favre: please come back and play for the Packers. Don’t play for my team. I want to fall in hate with you all over again. My hate and I will welcome you with open arms. And then we will use those arms to throw broken bottles at you.